Julbie
Spike wanders down the street half-drunk and full of pent-up anger. He stops, trying to focus on a slip of paper that he’s holding. He looks up at the building he’s stopped in front of, back to the paper, and then to the building again. Snarling, he stumbles up the stairs and practically falls through the door.
Fred is sitting by herself in the office when she hears Spike burst in. She jumps up, and scampers out to meet him.
Fred: He—hello there… and welcome to Angel investigations. Can I…
Spike looks up at Fred, anger in his eyes.
Fred: (quietly) …uh, is there something I can help you with?
Spike watches her for a moment, focuses, senses she’s frightened, and softens.
Spike: You work here?
Fred: Yes. Did you… uh… do you require our services? You look like you might… need help. Or maybe… someone you know needs the help?
Spike: Hhha! Help, from Angel. That’s a laugh, isn’t it?
Fred: You know Angel?
Spike: We’re old friends.
Fred: (relieved, smiling) Ohhh! Okay. So that’s neat. I never met any of Angel’s old friends, ‘cept for Cordelia and Wesley, of course. I guess you could call me one of Angel’s new friends. Well, I like to think so, anyway. My name’s Fred.
She puts out her hand for a hearty shake. Spike can’t help but be charmed. He shakes her hand and gives her the famous grin.
Spike: Truly a pleasure to meet you. Fred. I’m Spike.
Fred can’t help but swoon. She giggles a little.
Fred: Spike, that’s a funny name. Although I guess not much funnier than Fred. But Fred’s short for Winnefred. Is Spike short for anything? Prob’ly not. Can’t think of any name Spike would be short for, unless it’s like one of those exotic names from some far off place or somethin’, I noticed you have an English accent… are you English?
Spike is dizzy.
Spike: …yeah. (looks past Fred) So… where is the old… em… bossman?
Fred: Downstairs, training with Cordelia. Do you know Cordelia?
Spike: Yeah, we go way back. Training for what?
Fred: Oh, you know… the fighting stuff. Cordelia is really getting good at it. I’m sure I’ll never get the hang of it. Not that anyone’s really offered to teach me or anything. I mean, personally, I think I could be something more than just brain girl around here if someone would give me half a chance and stop treating me like I might break any minute. Are you a vampire?
Spike is startled at the abruptness.
Spike: (pause) I forget now. Yes. No. Yes. Yes, I am.
Fred: I can tell. You’re probably a good vampire like him, right?
Spike laughs bitterly.
Spike: Not quite, love.
Westley: Fred, come away from there, please.
Fred turns to see Westley holding a crucifix and looking extremely worried. She looks back to Spike who is grinning.
Spike: Look, your boyfriend’s heard of me.
Fred: Oh, he’s not my--
Westley: Yes, I have. Fred, please just move away, quickly.
Fred obeys and Westley creeps toward Spike, holding the cross out at arms length.
Spike: Just relax, mate. I’ve got no intention of hurting her. I’m on your side now.
Westley: Right. And I’m Father Christmas, pleased to meet you.
Spike rolls his eyes.
Spike: Look, does Angel still live here or what? Because I’m beginning to think he’s become the great tragic myth he’s always postured himself to be. Oh, he’s not dead is he? Because that would be… you know… pretty bloody hilarious—
Suddenly Spike is thrown into the wall forcefully.
Spike: Hey! That’s… OW! (he gets a look at his attacker) Cordelia?
Cordelia: What the hell are you doing back here, Spike? Did you really think you could set foot in this place without getting your limey ass staked?
Spike breaks into a huge smile.
Spike: Well, look at you all kung fu! That’s brilliant. You’re even pulling off the tough guy talk. Good on ya, Cordy!
Cordelia can’t help but be a little proud.
Cordelia: Well, thanks. Angel’s been teaching me.
Spike: So I’ve heard. Pretty resourceful of the old grand sire, I think… can’t deal with the real Slayer so he fashions one out of what he’s got lying around.
After the intial shock, Cordelia punches him very very hard.
Spike: OW!
Angel: Nice hit, Cordy.
They turn around to see Angel standing at the opposite end of the room.
Spike: And there he is. You just can’t resist making a bloody entrance, can you? You great tosser!
Cordelia grunts at him and pushes him hard against the wall again.
Angel: Cordy, let him go, I got this one.
Cordelia: I can handle him… he’s drunk.
Angel: No, really, let him go. This’ll be fun for me.
Spike: (jazzed) That’s the spirit, Peaches.
Spike stalks toward Angel and readies himself for the fight.
Angel: When are you gonna grow up, Spike?
Spike: Disappointed, are you? Need to give me a good thrashing? Well let’s have it then! Skip all this bloody catching up.
Angel: If you’re here for the Gem of Amarra, you just wasted an awful lot of your own time. I destroyed that thing a long time ago.
Spike: I figured you would, you bleedin’ martyr. Heaven forbid you actually have an easy time of it, ‘cause then you wouldn’t be able to repent for all your crimes against humanity every single day of your pathetic existence… God, I really just hate you.
Angel rushes Spike and throws him into the wall again. He gets in his face.
Angel: Likewise. You’re a real piece of work, man. Are you really this stupid or do you just have a death wish now, because—
Angel stops. Inhales. Looks into Spike’s eyes. Spike realizes… and smirks.
Spike: Awww. You still remember her scent, then? How bleeding tragic.
Angel: (grave) What the hell did you do?
Spike: The question isn’t what did I do, the question is what did WE do. And the answer is… everything.
Full of fury, Angel punches Spike hard across the face. Spike returns the punch and the fight of the century begins. Most of the Angel Investigations team retreats while Cordy hovers around the two enraged vampires, waiting for the right moment to jump in.
Angel: Cordy, get away, this isn’t your fight.
Wesley and Fred are watching from behind a wall.
Fred: What’s going on?
Wesley: I’m not sure. I think it’s fair to say that Angel is angry with Spike. Or Spike is angry with Angel.
Cordy joins them.
Cordy: Nice grasp of the situation, Wes. I think I know what’s going on. Angel smell’s Buffy’s scent on Spike, and can tell they had sex or something. Let’s all take a minute to appreciate how gross that is on every level.
Angel throws Spike into the foyer table and it smashes to the floor underneath him. Before Spike has a chance to get up, Angel grabs him and hauls him up by his jacket.
Angel: If you forced her, I’ll—
Spike: Oh PLEASE! Do you even know the girl? Do you really think I could ever get her to do anything she didn’t want to do?
Angel: Then what happened?
Spike: You want details? Angel, I never figured you for the type. Should I use all the bad words?
Angel knees him very hard, in the nuts. Spike howls in pain.
Spike: You bloody wanker!
He doubles over, coughing. Angel grins down at him. He’s about to get in his own snide comment when Spike pops up again and head butts him, sending him reeling backwards across the room.
Cordy: I don’t see what he’s so angry about. I thought he was over Buffy. God, how far away does she have to be to not irritate me?
The vampires crash into the office. Cordy, Fred and Wesley quietly file out as quickly as possible. Fred pauses to gather up some fine breakables, then hurries out.
Angel throws a chair at Spike, who ducks at just the right time and dives at Angel’s feet, pulling them out from under him. Angel falls back, slamming his head into the desk. Spike leaps on top of Angel, yanking him up further on the desk and punching the crap out of him. Angel growls and hurls himself at Spike, pushing him back out the door and into the lobby. Spike trips over some debris and lands in Fred’s lap.
Fred: Oh, for pete’s sake!
Spike: Sorry, luv.
Westley: (primly) Perhaps it’d be safer to wait this out on the second floor.
They exit, as the battle rages on.
A short while later, Gunn enters the main lobby and has to immediately jump out of the way in order to avoid Angel and Spike, who are now doing what can only be described as wrestling.
Gunn: What the hell?
Spike slams the back of Angel’s head into the floor.
Angel: OW! Stop doing THAT!
Gunn is ready for business. He grabs Spike by the shoulders, yanks him up and punches him in the face. Spike seems insulted.
Spike: Hey! What did I do to you?
Gunn is confused. He looks down at Angel.
Angel: He’s an old friend. Just go find the others, they’ll fill you in.
Gunn: You sure?
Spike: You heard him. Mind your business, chum.
Gunn: (in Spike’s face) Did I look like I was talkin’ to you, CHUM?
Angel: Gunn, really. I got this one.
Gunn: All right. Call if you need back up.
Spike scoffs and mumbles “back up.”
Gunn walks away slowly, keeping his eyes on Spike.
Spike: Can I help you?
Gunn clicks his tongue and laughs.
Gunn: You better watch your mouth, Q-tip.
Spike: Or what? You’ll blind me with your gleaming head? (then, under his breath) Pillock.
Gunn advances on Spike.
Gunn: What the hell did you just call me?
Spike puffs up, ready for him.
Angel: HEY!
They both look at Angel.
Angel: Still kinda want to fight over here!
Spike punches Angel in the face hard enough to knock him down again. He turns back to Gunn.
Spike: I called you a pillock. It means--
Gunn: I know what it means. And I’m gettin’ ready to jack your British ass!
Spike: (channeling Big Bad) Well… I’m standing right here.
Gunn is suddenly a bit apprehensive. Angel tackles Spike.
Spike: Oh, get off!
Gunn: (relieved; covering) Yeah, well… Angel, let me know if you need me to jump in and beat his skinny ass down.
Spike gets punched in the face by Angel, but pays no attention, he looks past him, to Gunn.
Spike: Not on your best day, mighty man!
Angel: (irritated at the distraction) Gunn, get out of here!
Gunn: Damn, all right. Make a brother feel unwanted.
He gives Spike another look as he exits.
Angel punches Spike in the face to bring him back to the fight. He hits him again and again, without much pause between blows. Finally, Spike resumes his hatred of Angel and attacks.
Cut to: a half-hour later, the two vampires are lying half way up the main staircase, out of breath, bloodied, disheveled and exhausted. They lay side by side, facing the ceiling. They have beaten the hatred out of each other and are now very calm. When they speak, it is he intimate conversation of two old friends.
Angel waits for Spike to get through a coughing fit, and turns to him.
Angel: Are you gonna tell me what happened or not?
Spike looks at him.
Spike: You really want to know this?
Angel: (after a long pause) No. I really don’t.
Spike nods and they both turn their eyes back to the ceiling. A few minutes pass in silence, then:
Angel: Tell me.
SUNNYDALE – BUFFY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Several Months Later
The gang is hanging out in the living room watching a Moulin Rouge on DVD. The girls are swooning over Ewan McGregor and Xander is bored to death.
Xander: Where’s the mayhem? Where’s the bloodshed? Where in the name of all that is holy are the big-budget explosions?!
He is answered with nothing but romantic warbling from the television speakers.
Xander: This sucks! I need a man!
The girls turn to him with questioning looks. Xander is immediately self-conscious.
Xander: I mean a guy to hang out with. Not for… (he gestures toward the screen) …musical watching man-love. I almost wish… I can’t believe these words are coming out of my head, but I think I actually miss Spike.
Buffy winces.
Willow: (gesturing toward Buffy) Xander!
Xander: Oh, I’m sorry, Buff. I wasn’t thinking.
Buffy: (softly) No, it’s okay. I’m totally fine. Completely over the bleached crusader. Miss him all you want, it’s a free living room.
There is an uncomfortable pause while Nicole Kidman croons onscreen. The other girls can plainly see that Buffy is anything but fine. Xander is less observant.
Xander: I wonder what he’s doing now. You think maybe he went back to England or something? Maybe he’s hanging with Giles! I bet their not sitting in watching lame singing movies. They’re out on the streets of London, getting into bar brawls and reveling in their manliness.
Dawn: (rolling her eyes) He’s not in England, Xander.
Immediately after she finishes the sentence, Dawn tenses and avoids Buffy’s eyes.
Buffy: Dawn? You know where Spike is?
Dawn fiddles with her hands.
Dawn: We’ve… been in touch.
Buffy: He’s called here?
Dawn: No, we… chat online.
Buffy: Online? Like… over the internet?
Dawn: Yeah.
Buffy: (stunned) How often?
Dawn: I don’t know… every… night.
Buffy: Oh my God!
Willow: I know! I had no idea! Spike’s a nerd!
Buffy: (impatient) Really not the issue, Will.
Willow: Right.
Tara: Well, what is the issue, exactly?
Buffy: The issue is… (searching for a plausible issue) that... he’s supposed to be staying out of my life. It’s just what’s best for both of us. For ALL of us. This isn’t out of my life. This is in my life… in a sneaky, using my little sister type way.
Dawn: (hurt) He’s not using me! First of all… we barely even talk about you anymore, so you can get over yourself any time now. Secondly, just because he has to stay out of your life doesn’t mean he has to stay out of mine.
Buffy: Yes, actually, it does!
Dawn: Why? He’s all the way up in L.A. and it’s not like he can hurt me over the computer even if he wanted to, which he doesn’t, so I don’t see the harm. Besides, he’s not your stalker anymore, remember? He’s the one who left!
Buffy’s face reveals that she remembers very well.
Xander: (trying to break the tension) So, he’s in L.A.?
Dawn: (keeping her eyes on Buffy) Yeah. He’s working with Angel.
Buffy’s eyes nearly bulge out of her skull.
Dawn: That’s right. Soul-less, chipless and fancy free but he decides to get a job helping the helpless. Kind of puts a hole in your big theory, doesn’t it?
LATER THAT NIGHT
Buggerit: Hey bite size, how’s it hangin’? You’re on awfully late tonight.
OrNotToKey: What do you think you’re doing?
Buggerit: About what, love?
OrNotToKey: It’s Buffy. Why are you filling my sister’s head with all this nonsense about you fighting the good fight with Angel in L.A.?
Buggerit: Hello, Buffy.
OrNotToKey: Are you going to answer me?
Buggerit: Why is it nonsense? Because I’m with Angel or because I’m fighting the good fight?
OrNotToKey: BOTH! Where are you really?
Buggerit: Unbelievable.
Bugger This: I don’t need this from you. Look, give him a call if you don’t believe me. I’m sure he’d just love to hear from you. Tell Dawn the Dawson’s Creek wildfeed is up on the message boards. Goodbye, Buffy.
OrNotToKey: WAIT!
OrNotToKey: Spike?
OrNotToKey: Hello?
Buggerit: What?
OrNotToKey: What’s a wildfeed?
Buggerit: She’ll know.
OrNotToKey: Are you really with Angel?
Buggerit: Yes.
OrNotToKey: How did that happen?
Buggerit: I ask myself that question everyday, love.
OrNotToKey: Does he know?
Buggerit: Know what?
OrNotToKey: Don’t be a jerk, Spike. Does he know or not?
Buggerit: You’re a lot less menacing on the AOL Instant Messenger system. You realize that, right?
OrNotToKey: TELL ME OR I WILL DRIVE UP THERE TONIGHT AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH!
Buggerit: Okay! Okay! I’ll tell you. (Even though I know you can’t drive, Miss Idle Threat.) Yes, he knows. I didn’t intend to tell him. He just sort of, figured it out. Kind of a long story, there. I came up here to kill him, actually. Or have him kill me. It’s funny how things don’t turn out the way you plan them.
OrNotToKey: What did he say?
Buggerit: Not much, actually.
OrNotToKey: Oh.
Buggerit: Mostly, he just punched me.
OrNotToKey: Really? He was really mad?
Buggerit: I just made your day, didn’t I?
OrNotToKey: Don’t pout, it’s unbecoming. Did he hurt you bad?
Buggerit: I needed some time to heal before starting my first day on the job, but he needed to take a personal day, himself.
OrNotToKey: This is crazy! You actually work for him?
Buggerit: WITH him. I work WITH him.
OrNotToKey: Uh huh. And you guys are what… pals now? Or is this some sick, show-offy thing where you’re both trying to out-superman each other on a nightly basis?
Buggerit: As if that’s a bad thing. Oh, hang on! I almost forgot. Did you know Angel had a kid?
OrNotToKey: Yes, the last time I talked to him he told me. I’m still in shock.
Buggerit: You should see him with the thing. It’s quite surreal.
OrNotToKey: You call his baby “the thing?”
Buggerit: It’s nicer than what I call Angel.
OrNotToKey: You just made me laugh out loud.
Buggerit: You’re supposed to write LOL.
OrNotToKey: Okay, nerd. LOL. Oh, and nice screen name, by the way.
Buggerit: Yeah, well, I had a great lot of very clever ones to do with my name, but they kept coming up already taken. Seems to be a lot of Spike’s in this world. Makes a bloke feel downright ordinary. I got fed up and typed in my favorite phrase and, what do you know, it turned out to be available. I couldn’t resist.
OrNotToKey: Suits you.
Buggerit: It does, doesn’t it?
OrNotToKey: You’ll take anything as a compliment, won’t you?
Buggerit: Part of my charm.
Buggerit: Where’d you go? Are you trying to tell me I’m not charming?
Buggerit: Buffy?
OrNotToKey: I miss you.
ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS – OFFICE – NIGHT
Sitting at a laptop computer, Spike reads what Buffy wrote and knocks over his mug of blood.
Spike: Bloody hell! GAH!
The viscous liquid rolls into the crevices of the keyboard. Small sparks shoot out from different locations.
Spike: Oh no! Don’t do this to me!
BUFFY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Using Dawn’s computer, Buffy waits for Spike’s response.
OrNotToKey: Spike?
OrNotToKey: Are you still there?
She sighs.
Buffy: (to herself) Okay. Guess I deserve it.
She leans in to type.
OrNotToKey: Bye, Spike. I’m sorry.
She waits a few more minutes. Just in case. Nothing.
Sadly, she turns off the computer.
ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS – OFFICE – NIGHT
The computer screen is black and the machine itself is making an ominous whirring noise. Spike holds it upside-down and shakes it hard, trying to get blood to drain out.
Spike: Oh, this is just BLOODY BRILLIANT! (a beat, then calling out) FRED!?