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Wordsmith
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The Watchers had stayed. Xander wondered if they were going to reread every
report that Giles had filed, and all of his old journals. The were obviously
reevaluating certain assumptions they had previously made. He tried to not let
it disrupt what passed for normal life for Dawn and the rest of the gang. But
having the academics loitering around the shop - or worse asking inopportune
questions - was unsettling. Apparently Buffy not staying dead the first time,
and splitting the Slayer line, had interfered with their ability to find the
new Slayer. They had to wait until they stumbled across a girl dusting vampires,
or wait for Faith to die. Xander wasn't sure they
planned on waiting. It came to a head Wednesday night when shouting erupted
over the test they had run on Buffy when she had turned eighteen. They implied
Giles had weakened Buffy by interfering, and Giles maintained the whole test
undermined the credibly of the organization. Xander figured that with the 'test',
and the attempt to whack Buffy while she was in Faith's body, and then the 'we
will deport Giles if you do not follow our orders' maneuver, the Watchers had
no credibility. Somewhere along the way they had moved from the prey we protect,
to the predatory against which we must guard the pack. *And again with the Hyena
thoughts, bad Xander.* Especially since Dawn had slipped like a ghost off to
the practice room. He saw Spike, in his usual spot lounging on the staircase,
watching her and almost get up to follow, but he met Xander's eyes and gave
a tilt of his head in the direction Dawn had vanished. Xander nodded to him
and casually followed her back into the practice room. He was quiet at the door
for a few seconds, just watching her pound the heavy bag with her little fists.
He was struck, not for the first time, by how much she was like Buffy, except
for the whole strength thing; when she hit it the bag it barely moved.
He slowly paced the length of the room, stopping just behind the bag. He placed both hands on it and asked, "Want me to spot you on it?"
She answered with a strange blend of laughter and tears. "Xander."
Frustrations, grief, anger; so much in one word. He pulled her under his arm, wondering when she had gotten taller than Willow, and steered her over to the inner wall. They slid down the wall and sat on the floor. Xander kept his arm across Dawn's shoulders and she sniffed and wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. The arguing in the other room had quieted, but it still reminded Xander of so many nights lying awake listening to his parents and feeling so powerless. "I feel like I'm always crying," she said resting her head on his shoulder.
"Yeah, me too." Dawn went very still at his soft words.
"You cry? Wait I didn't mean that the way it sounded. It's just...you always seem so...you're just always there. You're always ready...for whatever.... I don't think I'm saying what I want to say." She had tensed up while speaking and Xander lifted the hand from her shoulder and gently stroked her hair.
"I know. It's okay. It's all going to be okay." Well, Buffy would still be dead, and Joyce. They still hadn't heard from Mr. Summers, and wasn't that odd. But tonight was going to end and soon the Watchers would leave. They had people they trusted to watch their backs and their pack, such as it was, would stand together against whatever life or death threw at them. He hoped she understood that, because he wasn't sure he could put it into words.
"How do you do it?" she asked.
"Do what?" What had he done? Xander wondered if he should have tapped Willow and tag-teamed this conversation.
"How do you know what to do? What to feel? Who to ...I don't... Xander, everything is so complicated." She punctuated her frustration with a light rap on his chest. Xander remembered when Dawn was younger and cried tears of frustration because Buffy would bar Dawn from her room because she was always pestering. Yet the reason Dawn pestered was because she wanted desperately to be with the 'big kids'. He used to take her down to the kitchen, because hey, the kitchen, food. He would make up outrageous stories for her with Willow, Buffy and himself as the main characters. Never Angel, unless he was a monster, although sometimes Giles made an appearance as an oracle or a wizard. She would listen so seriously, all the while serving up whatever dessert Joyce had made the night before. Xander couldn't really grasp that all those memories of milk and pie had been planted by the monks. He bet Dawn couldn't really wrap her mind around it either, even knowing she's the Key.
So instead of answering her questions he said, "A very long time ago,
when the world was new, people discovered that not everything was what it seemed.
They knew the world was dangerous. It was very wild. You could die from a fall
or a fire; wild animals saw you as dinner and wouldn't hesitate to attack. There
wasn't always food to eat. Crops would fail, and animals died. People would
die and other people didn't always know what killed them. But
they dealt with it, because it was part of life. Life was short. Twenty was
old. People started their families at fourteen or fifteen and often never lived
to reach thirty.
"One day something horrible happen, no one knows what because it was so bad hardly anyone lived through it, and those who did where so traumatized they could never speak of it. The most horrible thing about it was that it wasn't natural. It was supernatural. It was outside the normal rhythms of live and was so devastating because the only way to stop it was to step outside of the sacred balance.
"One day a great king approached this great Evil and said 'I have come
to fight you.' And the Evil replied 'Why do you fight me?' The king answered
'This is my world, and I will not have you slaughter my people.' and the
king was no more. Another day a famous hero confronted the Evil and said 'I
will destroy you.' And the Evil replied 'Why will you destroy me?' 'I would
rather die fighting for what is right, then live under your rule,' the hero
replied, and was no more. A holy man was next to oppose the Evil and he said,
'I banish thee.' And the Evil replied 'Why do you banish me?' 'You are unnatural.
You are not of this place. The balance must be restored.' and the holy man was
no more.
"Now, people had pretty much given up hope. The apocalypse was over and the world had lost. The Evil would always be a part of this world and there was no use fighting it.
"Then, quite unexpectedly; without the pomp and ceremony of the King;
or the war drums of the hero; or even the incense of the holy man, a young girl
approached the Evil. There was a tremble to her step, but she straightened
her back and climbed the steps to the dais where the Evil sat on its throne
of skulls. She said 'I'm going to stop you from killing any more people.' And
the Evil replied 'Why will you stop me from killing any more people?' and the
girl said 'Because I love them.' And the Evil was no more.
"Now that wasn't the last evil, you know. We still fight it today. But what you have to remember is it started with just the girl. She wasn't alone. Even then there were people who considered her to be their girl. They loved her. Back then, they were her parents, her siblings, her friends, and her lovers. They fought alongside her, helping where they could, sometimes just loving her, letting her know she wasn't alone. Eventually, as in any story of a life, that life ends. The girl died. But when she died another was chosen. The people, who loved the first girl, helped the next one. They passed on what the first girl had learned, hoping the knowledge would help the next girl live longer, hoping it would give her some advantage in the fight that never ends.
"But they were just people, and the girl never lived long. It was hard to reach out to the newest girl. Hard to love her, or hard to let themselves love her when they knew no matter what they did, no matter how hard they tried, they would lose her too. So they organized and concentrated on teaching and training, but never loving, because that would interfere. They became the Watchers. And they record and research and do everything but the most important thing.
"Which is why, in answer to your question, I know everything will be fine. You see," Xander leaned over and kissed Dawn on the forehead. "It's not complicated if you remember the most important thing. Love the girl. Everything else is just window dressing."
The clapping startled them both. They looked over and saw Spike and Giles standing
at the doorway. Giles ignored Spike's applause, but added, "While not historically
accurate, once again you've managed to reduce a quite
complex dispute into its basic components. Quite well done, Xander." Giles
entered the room and looked down at Dawn as she huddled against Xander. "It
is getting late, dear, and it doesn't seem likely that we'll finish here in
the immediate future. Tara and Willow have extended an invitation for you to
spend the night with them. Would that meet with your approval, Dawn?"
*****
Dawn love staying at the dorms, and even though she did it about once a week
now she still would get bouncy and excited. At least she got, as bouncy and
excited as she ever got since That Day. No, she didn't need to stop at
Giles' place for an overnight bag. Yes, she had clothes at Willow's room. Yes,
she had a toothbrush in her knapsack. Why did he want to know why she carried
a toothbrush? Can we leave now please? Xander liked seeing her like this, she
seemed almost the same as before. As Spike followed the girls out onto the dark
streets of Sunnydale, Xander paused at the door. He caught Giles' eye and raised
an eyebrow. He didn't feel comfortable leaving Giles alone and outnumbered.
"It's fine, Xander, we're only going to exchange information."
As he nodded and turned to leave, he noticed that slime lady and almost-impaled guy were giving him uneasy looks. That reminded him that no one had referred to him as 'the boy' during this visit. He wasn't sure he found that very reassuring.
*****
By Friday, things were back to normal. Sunnydale normal. The Watchers had left
the day before. Giles had hinted that they might stop by the LA operation and
have a chat with Wesley and Cordy. Remembering their original
meeting with Spike during their pre-Glory Buffy investigation, Xander had to
wonder just how many crosses and stakes they would need to be in the same room
with an unchipped Angelus. *But all in all, better them than us,*
Xander sighed. It hadn't been very Hellmouthy lately. Except for the dragon.
Vamp activity was down and the Glory thing had wiped out a great number of demons.
Spike was scowling as he stalked back to where Willow and Xander waited in the
cemetery.
"Anything?" Willow sounded disappointed, and Xander was hoping it
didn't mean there was a spell in the testing stage she was preparing to use.
Spike just shook his head and stomped off in the other direction. As Willow
and
Xander followed in his wake she said "I'm going to call it a night - we
want to leave early for the Faire tomorrow. We're going to rent costumes, gotta
admit I'm almost as excited as Dawn."
"You just keep an eye on her, witch," Spike growled back at them.
Willow frowned and looked as if she was going to give Spike more than just a
piece of her mind, and not in the Glory sense, because eww. She took exception
to
Spike's attitude that no one but him was capable of taking care of Dawn.
So Xander poked her gently in the ribs and teased, "Awhh, he's worried
about you. You know in Spike-speak what he just said was 'even though you're
leaving Sunnydale, don't let your guard down. It's a big bad world out
there.' And on behalf of myself may I just say, renting costumes, my you do
like to live dangerously."
Willow poked him back. Then she said goodnight, and walked off towards campus. So Xander and Spike followed her back to the dorm, then walked in silence until they were back at the cemetery. "She's right, this place is dead." Xander winced at his own pun, and gave Spike an apologetic smile.
"Bronze?" Spike asked raising an eyebrow.
"Too many kids. My place? It's quiet." *Oh God! Did I just proposition
him? Does he think I just propositioned him? If I did, do I want to have done
it? Do I want to do it? Do IT? Oh God? He's not laughing, and hey, we're walking
in the direction of my apartment Can he hear my heart racing? Wait, get off
the train, Xander, you're not fifteen, it's entirely possible that he assumed
that after the week of the Watchers you don't want to spend the
evening in a club packed with sweaty bodies and loud music.*
*****
This is nice, Xander thought. They sat on the couch, feet up on the coffee
table, with only the glow cast by the television illuminating the room. On the
way back from the kitchen to get a couple of beers, Xander had noticed
that the lighting made Spike look eerie and otherworldly; not scary, just beautiful
and aloof. Now that they sat side by side in the dim quiet room he reexamined
his attraction to Spike. Spike was attractive, very attractive.
Hell, he reeked of raw sensuality; Xander could admit that. Willow was smart,
the Hellmouth was dangerous, and Spike was sexy, there were just certain truisms
you knew down to your bones. A commercial came on and Spike
turned and caught Xander looking at him.
"You sure she'll be all right?"
"She'll be with Willow. Can you imagine what would happen if anyone crossed Willow?" Spike snorted and looked back at the TV. Just to rattle his chain, Xander added, "Summer vacation is starting soon. How are you going to handle her being out on her own every day?" He regretted it the minute he saw Spike's wild-eyed look of panic. Spike was willing to let Dawn stay with Giles, although Xander knew he occasionally stood guard outside, smoking and making it clear to everyone that what was inside was his and they had better stay clear. But it was obvious that the idea of all those hours of sunlight when Xander was at work and Spike could not follow Dawn did not appeal to him. "It'll be okay."
"I'm not Dawn, whelp. I know what's what. Someone finds out what she is, there's a hundred different rituals they could use her in." And so not a reassuring thought. *Thanks, Spike.* Xander sighed. He set his empty bottle on the table, and tucked the leg closest to Spike underneath him. He put his hands on his knees and looked into those angry blue eyes.
He took a calming breath and used the same tone he had used with the guidance
counselor, "That's not going to happen. No one knows but us and we are
not telling anyone. Listen, I know you made promises to Buffy. I respect
that. But you're not alone in this." He tried to lighten the mood and added,
"Look at it this way; even I managed to survive growing up on the Hellmouth
with Willow's help."
Spike was not amused. "You had Buffy."
"Dawn has us, she's not alone. You're not alone. None of us are alone
in this; we never will be." That was when Xander lost his mind. At least
that was what he told himself. If fact he could hear the same voice that had
been
screaming at him about propositioning Spike earlier asking just what the Hell
he thought he was doing. What he was doing was leaning forward and, oh yes he
was, he was kissing Spike on his bottom lip. When Spike didn't pull
back, Xander parted his own lips just enough to take that bottom lip in between
them. Spike surprised him with a low-throated rumbly noise. Xander felt quite
daring when he raised his hand and tentatively stroked the side of Spike's face.
He pulled back to watch his fingers trace the sharp angles of Spike's face.
When their eyes met, Xander was at a loss for words. Words normally bubbled
up, with no consideration to his brain, but now they were gone and he had no
idea what to say to the naked hunger in Spike's eyes. So he tried the truth,
"I...I really don't want to be alone tonight. Will... will you stay?"
And it had been that easy. There hadn't been a mad rush to the bedroom. None
of the frantic scrambling like with Anya. There had been more soft kisses on
the couch while they slowly undressed and took time to admire each other's bodies
with glances and caresses. It was much like Xander had always imagined his first
time would be, before Faith had introduced him to the joys of autoerotic foreplay.
When they moved to the bedroom Spike had asked for lube as if this was something
Xander did every night. "I think we'll have to improvise. Oil?" Spike
smiled. It was a real smile. Not sneering or maniacal, it was the kind of smile
Xander had only seen directed at Dawn.
*And isn't that a disturbing thought when I'm naked.* By the time Xander's conscious
had finish chastising him for thoughts of Dawn when sex was imminent Spike had
come out of the bathroom with couple towels and the
bottle of oil.
"It's likely to get a mite messy, Pet." Spike said in answer to what Xander was sure was a look of utter bewilderment at the towels. Spike laid one of them on the bed and positioned Xander in front of it and gently pushed him back until he was first sitting and then lying on the towel. Spike lay down beside him and brushed Xander's hair off his face and, well, petted him. He caressed his face and stroked his hair, but it was different than it had been on the couch, more soothing.
"You've never done this before have you?" Was that Spike? His voice
was barely above a whisper, even his accent sounded different. *Oh God, do not
let me start crying. I started this and now he's treating me like a skittish
virgin.*
"I...Spike, I think...Please, I think I really need this." Xander
looked over into those blue eyes and willed him with all his might to see him
as an adult, not some scared kid, holding on to anything in a world turned upside
down. And it worked. It must have worked because Spike was kissing him. Oh was
he kissing him; it felt so good. These weren't the teasing; tasting kisses from
before, these were invasive and possessive, demanding and colored with lust
and desire. He was breathless when Spike stopped to open the oil. Unexpectedly,
he poured some on Xander's stomach. Spike laughed at his gasp as the cool liquid
contacted his skin. But Xander didn't have a chance to say anything, because
Spike's mouth was back, stealing his breath and scattering his thoughts. Spike
dragged his fingertips thought the oil and began to coat first his cock and
then Xander's balls with the slippery substance. Spike's hands were never still
and when the first finger breached and then slid deep into Xander's body, Xander
reach blindly for Spike. Spike made the softest shhhing noises while Xander
whimpered with need. A second
finger moved inside and sparks exploded behind Xander's eyes. He tried to pull
Spike closer but he seemed so far away. Xander gulped in air like a drowning
man, and managed to say "Please..."
Spike crooned in that strangely accented soft voice, "Luv, this will be easier for you on your stomach."
"No. Here. Stay. Please. Stay." Xander had no idea what he had just
said, but it didn't sound like English. He moaned and prayed Spike spoke whatever
language that was. By the size of the grin on Spike's face whatever Xander had
said had pleased him. For a moment he seemed to be moving away, but a whimper
from Xander summoned him back for a kiss. Spike positioned himself between Xander's
legs, and lifted those legs up and over his shoulders. It
was only then that he removed his fingers, and almost before Xander could register
the lose, he began to slowly replace them with his cock. Xander had expected
many things, but not this, never this. He had never felt so
connected. He looked up and Spike was so close, so near. This felt right. Spike
moved. He moved so slowly, his eyes locked on Xander, so focused. Xander felt
his face start to hurt and realized it had be too long since he
smiled this much.
He laughed, out loud. Which made Spike grin and ask, "Good, Pet?"
"Yes!" *Yes, God yes. I need this. Don't stop. Wait what's he laughing
at? Please tell me I'm not saying this out loud?* "Move, damn it!"
Spike moved. With every thrust Xander felt fuller and closer to him. Xander
didn't know
when Spike's hand had started to stroke his cock in time to those thrusts but
he felt his whole body shudder as if he hadn't come in years. A few more thrusts,
and before his own seed could cool on his stomach he felt Spike
follow him over the edge. After Xander's breathing returned to normal - Spike's
had never stopped being normal since being normal meant that it wasn't there
- Spike slowly slipped out of Xander's body. *Oh yeah, the towels were a good
idea.* Xander felt boneless. He wanted to reach out to Spike, who was wiping
them both down with the oil and remaining towel. Spike seemed to sense that,
and after sealing the bottle, tossed it and the towels in the general direction
of the bathroom. Spike tucked Xander under his arm, and kissed his temple and
stroked his face, rubbing his thumb against Xander's bottom lip.
Xander's eyelids were starting to droop and he was surprised to hear Spike whisper, "Thank you."
Xander made the colossal effort and turned his head to look into Spike's eyes. He really intended to say thank you back, but really good sex sometimes disconnects the brain so what came out just before he plummeted into sleep was, "I need you."
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