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Annie
Okay, so, he was lost.
Most definitely lost, in a place that was cold, dripping, creepy and…did he think dark already?
“He can give me a stupid piece of tin to show me the way, but he can’t throw a measly flashlight into the bargain?” he grumbled, taking yet another careful step forward. “What kinda sorcerer IS he anyway?”
Then the cold and dark and dripping suddenly went to scorching hot as huge flames rose around him, lightening up the cave he was in and he noticed, with a rather hard gulp, that he was surrounded by some kind of creatures that he had never seen before.
Not a good sign, he thought.
He looked around him; they were everywhere.
As they started to move towards him, closing the circle they were in around him, he felt his heart sink in his chest.
This wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen, he thought as the creatures’ rough hands grabbed at him from all around. Anya, I’m so sorry. I love you.
***
Choosing to stay had been the hardest decision he had ever had to make and after it was done, telling Buffy had been the second hardest.
For a moment he had changed his mind, looking into her eyes he had felt more than insecure of the choice being the right one, but then he had brushed it aside. He had to do this, for them both, and that was final.
He hadn’t slept one wink during the night. Well, that might have had something to do with the fight he had been forced into with himself, the wanting to go out hunting once dusk settled was at times overwhelming. It wasn’t so much the hunger, he could still that with the pig’s blood, as it was the seduction of the flesh and life he stole, the ecstasy it put him in… He truly was amazed that he kept winning the battles; it was something he guessed nothing could have prepared him for.
Just like truly falling in love with another being had been so far out of his thoughts as he roamed the world, the thought of not living the un-life he had been handed, when he had the choice, had been absolutely unthinkable.
He wanted to be mad at her, he wanted to let hate and resentment root out the love in his chest but with that bloody love came a sense of understanding, which made it a thousand times stronger, and he understood her now, he supposed. Finally he thought he could see what it was that made her unable to love him, because it wasn’t in the lack of attraction; that was more than sure.
She needed to be loved for who she was, what she was, by someone who would work as a neutralizer for the craziness she met every night. She needed a pair of warm arms to come home to, someone who could make her feel safe in the fact that even though she was the Slayer she was ultimately human.
The shame that he had made her feel over the fact that she would even let a creature like him touch her, much less be inside her… He paused as memories pushed their way into his head and he brutally pushed them back. Last thing he needed right now was for them to obscure the point he was trying to make.
The shame had been there from the start, even now, even as she knew that for him it meant something, she backed away from it, from him. He would always be the dark and the dirty in her life and, honestly, did she really need that so close upon her?
No.
And THAT was the point.
He would never deserve her love, no matter how changed he was; even giving up the hunt for her wasn’t enough… He was still bound to the darkness of his game face, the sharpness of his fangs and the senses that came with them.
He had wanted to die by her hand.
For the first time the self preserving force inside of him had given way to the pure desperation at the thought of having to die anywhere but at her side, and that bloody stick had looked like the shape of a ticket out of it all. But, of course, it wasn’t meant to be that easy, was it?
She needed more than he could ever offer, and even though he would have given anything to be able to show her how much he loved her, he knew that the only true way he could do so was to leave her. Or, as it was, watch her leave.
He sighed, bringing the glass to his lips, again, and taking a mouthful of whiskey, he was sure Jacob wouldn’t mind him going through his liquor cabinet; after all, he was like a son to him.
He closed his eyes, tasting the liquid.
England was good; in fact it was a more than good solution to his problems. He would get away from her and even though he wouldn’t forget her…He sighed again. Even though he wouldn’t forget her she wouldn’t be there, reminding him. And he had Sarah and Jacob, his…family.
‘Promise you’ll be back.’
He opened his eyes and tried to blink away the tears.
“I’m sorry, niblet,” he mumbled.
“What are you doing drinking at five o’clock in the morning?”
He looked up, his eyes meeting Sarah’s, and he looked away.
“I’m not drinking,” he said. “I’m thinking.”
Sarah frowned, walking into the drawing room and sitting down in the armchair opposite the one he was slumped down in.
“What are you thinking, then?” she asked and he huffed.
“Nothing,” he grumbled.
She smiled a little, nodded towards the glass in his hand and said:
“So, we’re back with THAT then.”
He looked at the glass as well, and then shook his head a little.
“It’s not what it used to be,” he mumbled. “I can hardly get drunk properly anymore.”
Sarah smiled again.
“What are YOU doing up?” he asked and she leaned back.
“I couldn’t sleep… I’ve been thinking too,” she answered and he cocked an eyebrow at her.
“Sarah Macintyre, thinking? I’m bloody shocked,” he murmured as he raised the glass to his lips again.
She rose and took the step forward dividing them, grabbed the glass out of his hand and walked with it to the small cabinet, setting it down on top of it.
“Dammit, woman!” Spike growled, getting to his feet.
Sarah raised her eyebrows at him and came up to him again, signing for him to sit down as she did so. He stared at her for a moment and then sunk down in the armchair once more.
“Are you really sure about this?” she asked and he looked at her.
“About what?” he grumbled, still looking sour over what she had just done.
“Don’t pout, Will. It didn’t become you as a human and it sure doesn’t look any more flattering on you as a vampire,” she said, teasingly, and he glared at her.
She merely smiled.
“Are you sure you can let her leave without going with her?” Sarah asked, growing serious.
He looked away now, his face decisive.
“I have to, precious,” he answered her. “It’s for the best.”
Sarah sighed.
“That’s what she said,” she mumbled and he looked up at her.
“What do you mean?” he asked and Sarah hesitated a moment before answering:
“She came to see me, sometime after you had told her, I believe… She was upset, Will. But I could tell she didn’t know how to…hm, I don’t know, interpret her own emotions. She seemed confused and…”
He raised one hand, shaking his head a little.
“She wasn’t confused,” he said. “She made it really clear when I told her, I think she’s glad and she just doesn’t wanna sound the bloody trumpets off in my face. She’s relieved, precious, and…that’s what I wanted.”
Sarah stared at him. How could he think this? He had known Buffy for so long, and still… Then she suddenly smiled a little to herself.
“Are you telling me or yourself that?” she asked and he looked up, sharply.
“Sarah,” he said in a warning tone. “Don’t even THINK of starting your mind games with me,” he added and she looked at him, innocent as a rose.
“Your overreacting, William,” she said. “Now why is that, do you suppose?”
He smiled a little, getting to his feet.
“Good night, precious,” he said and she smiled back.
“There’s the William I know,” she said. “Run, run away, little boy…”
He swirled around, coming back.
“DON’T use my own words against me,” he snarled but she didn’t even blink as she got up to look him in the eyes.
“I don’t want to be an escape OR an excuse, William,” she said firmly. “I don’t want you to stay if it’s not a choice you have made with ALL your heart, and something tells me that you could NEVER do that.”
His eyes showed clear remorse at those words, and sadness came over his features as he met her gaze. She stepped up to him; taking his face in both hands and feeling tears slowly rise in her eyes as she said:
“I WANT you to stay, Will. But NOT if it’s going to kill you.”
Tears blurred his sight as well and he shook his head, slowly.
“It won’t kill me, Sarah,” he said. “I do want to stay here, with you… Make up for all the time we’ve lost…”
She looked at him, a hint of happiness through the tears, and then she asked:
“What about the… nature in you? I don’t know if I have the right to ask you to stay and fight it…”
He smiled a little, pulling out of her hold and shaking his head a little again.
“Don’t think about it,” he mumbled.
She rested her eyes at him for a moment; she had waited so long for him to be in her life again, to have him there to talk to and to confide in. She had missed him so much…
“I trust you, Will,” she said, reaching out and putting a hand on his shoulder. “Good night,” she added, turning from him and slowly walking out of the drawing room, her head now filled with new thoughts, happier ones.
Finally she might be able to get some sleep.
She thought of Buffy for a moment, how shaken the Slayer had acted… She felt a small sting of guilt but then she frowned to herself. If the woman couldn’t figure out a way to keep Will in her life without hurting him, then he shouldn’t be a part of it.
“All for the best,” she mumbled, but she couldn’t quite shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.
Spike felt the heat of her handprint still on his shoulder and the words that the love of his existence never had been able to tell him now rang, spoken in Sarah’s voice, through his head.
I trust you.
***
Buffy eyed the tired girl in the mirror. She looked like a wreck.
Sighing she turned from it.
“Time to face another glorious morning,” she mumbled to herself as she absentmindedly picked up her brush and let it run through her hair.
‘I can’t believe you cut your hair just to piss me off.’
She closed her eyes. No more of that, no more of his voice in her head, no more of the small things that reminded her of him. It was over, finally over, and a night of nightmares couldn’t change that fact. A night of dreaming of something huge about to swallow her couldn’t change that.
Her head jerked up and she stared in front of her.
“Oh, God…” she grumbled. “Slayer dream?”
She hadn’t had them in a while, not since she was resurrected. But now she remembered that she had dreamt it before, the morning she and Spike stepped through the mirror with Sarah.
She threw the brush on the bed and ran downstairs to the breakfast table.
Entering the room she got smiles from Sarah and Jacob followed by questioning looks at the expression her face was wearing.
“Something’s gonna happen,” she said. “I have to go check something,” she added, running out of the room again and into the library where she dropped on her knees next to the last book she had been researching the night before.
Sarah and Jacob soon joined her, still looking like question marks.
Buffy eagerly started reading the page that was up and then she jumped to her feet.
“Aha!” she exclaimed. “I WAS right!”
She turned to the two, staring at her, and then smiled.
“The first sacrifice,” she said and held up the book, starting to read, “is, according to the prophecy, supposed to be a white rose, symbolizing purity and purifying the other sacrifices. The second sacrifice: a red piece of silk, to represent passion and to bring life into the act of sacrifice. The third: a butterfly, to symbolize freedom and release the soul from the body…Hm. The fourth: a spider, to represent wisdom and bind the soul to the body once more. Hm! The fifth: a snake, to represent poison and bring death… The sixth, and here we pick up where we left off, a drop of water to represent life and bring forth re-birth. The seventh: a piece of wood, to represent the earth and bring healing. The eighth: a sunflower, to represent fire. The ninth: a human, to represent devotion and bring forth love.”
She stared at the page for a moment then turned to the two gaping people at her side.
“Well, my dear,” Jacob said, getting back his ability of speech and Buffy nodded, now serious.
“Yep,” she said.
“What did you mean with ‘I WAS right’?” Sarah asked and Buffy looked thoughtful for a moment.
“I’ve been dreaming a dream where something enormous, like a shadow, is trying to catch me. I’m running from it but it keeps gaining on me… I haven’t actually dreamt that it captures me, but I have a feeling that this dream isn’t about ME, I’m just feeling the feelings of someone else. God! I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on it before…”
“Well, maybe it’s just a dream…” Jacob started but Buffy shook her head.
“No, Jake, it’s more than that, I think it’s showing me towards the human that’s supposed to be the ninth offering... And I know something else, this thing, the Birth, it’s closing in on us just as that damn shadow. We need to look through the books for ANY kind of information about tomorrow,” she said and the two nodded, immediately walking into the library and taking the same places they were in the previous night.
Buffy sighed a little, still not understanding how she could have missed the message she had been sent!
“Dammit,” she mumbled.
She looked up and around before asking:
“Where’s Spike?”
Sarah looked up with a small smile; Buffy thought she suddenly looked quite hesitant before answering:
“Sleeping… Rough night…”
Buffy nodded a little.
“Okay, then we’ll have to work twice as hard.”
“No, you won’t,” his voice was heard behind her and she turned to him as he entered the room. ”I’m not planning on missing all the fun,” he added as he went up and sat down on the floor.
She looked at him; he was so cocky, so sure of himself. Quite a different attitude than the one she had seen on him the day before. She wrestled the sudden longing rising inside, the sudden need to be selfish and tell him that he HAD to come back with her, that she couldn’t do her job without him there. Tell him that she needed him to help her, like he used to, needed his hearing and his sense of scent and… Reason won the fight, getting the feeling to retreat as she looked away from him.
She had been selfish and called HIM selfish, she had treated him with no feelings and called HIM a monster. This time, she was NOT going to interfere on account of herself.
She turned her eyes back at him, he had opened up a book and was scanning the pages of it; he looked so… dedicated. He actually looked like a true member of the Scoobies and for a moment she wished she could tell him that. But only for a moment and it slipped away.
“Do you know what to look for?” she asked and he looked up at her, the so familiar smirk curving his lips and then he nodded.
“Could bloody well hear you all the way into my room,” he said and she smiled weakly, nodding.
“Good, then…let’s research.”
He held her eyes for a moment and her heart stopped beating. Then he nodded again and looked down.
She bit her lower lip hard as she sat down on the floor, grabbing her notepad and pen and then starting to scribble down what she had discovered.
She felt the slight taste of her own blood fill her mouth, and she welcomed it.
Anything as long as I don’t cry in front of him, she thought to herself, drawing a breath. Anything!
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